At 8pm last night, the tears came. Of course they would come.
photo credit: VinothChandar via photopin cc
Phillip was there. He sat close. Stayed quiet. He let me cry.
I wiped my tears with my wrinkled dinner napkin and stared off into space. I choked out how weird it is to feel relatively healthy and know that you’ll eventually need treatment that has permanent consequences.
Sure I have intermittent pain, fatigue, digestive and breathing issues related to other VACTERL stuff, but those are inconveniences. Transplant seems different. Maybe that’s just because it’s new. It’s change. It’s unknown. The rest of the stuff is familiar. I have solutions. I have control.
My biggest fear is immunosuppression. Once the transplant is complete, I’ll be taking immunosuppressive drugs for the rest of my life.
I like my immune system. I know how vitally important it is to our health, to being able to touch door knobs, shake strangers hands, be in crowded placed during flu season. I see the patients at the lab wearing masks after their transplants.
My tears were grieving the inevitable loss of this robust defense mechanism.
…and yet…
I am grateful for these tears.
Tears adjust my expectations. They are helping me let go of control I never had anyway.
Tears are so sweet. They demonstrate compassion for the fears and worries.
Tears are healing. They help me move through tension and release stress.
Tears keep me present. They create awareness of feeling that stir within. Those feelings are allowed to have a voice, to be witnessed, to be released.
I cried for only 15 or so minutes. That was all. When you allow yourself to sink into the feelings and let them pass through, it always happens rather quickly. The thing that keeps tears going is rehashing the story and the worry. That’s a mental exercise, not one your emotions need to have.
I awoke with a renewed sense of resilience this morning. Phillip and I have an appointment at the transplant center on Monday. We’re going to compile our list of questions this weekend and focus on how thankful we are to have this opportunity to be proactive and prepared to avoid dialysis.
I really am blessed. For the tears. The love. Support. All of it.
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