I sometimes joke that I’m on “Symptom Watch 2013.” As I come closer to kidney failure, my doctors have warned me that I may begin experiencing symptoms of uremia (a buildup of uremic acid) soon. This has resulted in a whole series of mind games.
Every completely normal yawn, itch and bruise is now followed with a question, “is it starting?” If I am out of breath while working out, I wonder if the anemia is worse. When I can’t concentrate, I wonder if my kidney function has decreased or if I simply can’t concentrate.
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Like the rabbit-duck conundrum, it can be hard to decipher what is really going on.
A few years ago, I was talking with a lovely woman who’d had a kidney transplant. She told me that one evening before she had her transplant she and her husband had attended a dinner party. When they arrived home, she looked down and noticed her ankles were completely swollen (edema). This happens when the kidney’s can no longer produce urine, so it gets stored in the extremities. At 7am the next day, she was at her doctor’s office and had her transplant not long afterwards.
I now oddly expect that one morning I’m going to wake up, look down and have cankles.
There is an inner drama queen just itching to burst forth, but I don’t let her out. I don’t tell my husband or mom each time I worry that things may be worse. I just chalk it up to the games my mind loves to play.
I know that everything I’m obsessing over isn’t the arrival of uremia. I’ve been told, on more than one occasion, that when I have symptoms, there will be no doubt in my mind about what’s happening. That means that the itching is just an itch, the bruise was something I bumped earlier and the yawn is to be expected.
Having a chronic illness means that what used to be normal is now cause for suspension. It is something you get used to, and can even laugh at, when your mind ventures into worrisome places. Our minds love to protect us. It is sweet to see the way they fixate on anything out of the norm. It never means that we have to buy into the drama. We can see the symptom game for what it is. We can remind ourselves of what we know is true. We can relax.
Now what about this headache?